Short answer: Assertive communication means saying clearly what you think, need or will not accept, while respecting the other person. It sits between passive (staying silent, giving in) and aggressive (attacking, overriding). At work, it sounds like: “I can take this on if we move the other deadline. Which one has priority?” In a toxic environment, assertiveness is both more important and more risky, so it helps to keep it factual, put agreements in writing and choose your moments.
This article is part of our series on building resilience in a toxic work environment. The first part covered setting boundaries; this one is about the communication that makes boundaries work.
Passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, assertive
| Style | What it sounds like | What it does |
|---|---|---|
| Passive | “Sure, no problem.” (although it is a problem) | Keeps the peace now, builds resentment and overload |
| Aggressive | “That’s ridiculous, you never plan anything.” | Wins the moment, damages trust and your reputation |
| Passive-aggressive | “Fine. As always.” | Signals anger without saying it, invites conflict |
| Assertive | “I can’t finish both by Friday. Which one should come first?” | Clear, respectful, solution-oriented |
More is not always better. A study on leaders found that people seen as either too little or too assertive were judged as less effective: too little assertiveness limits what gets done, too much damages relationships (Ames & Flynn, 2007). The goal is not to be louder, but to be clear.
Examples: what to say in typical situations
When you are overloaded
“I want to do this properly. If I take on X, Y will be delayed until next week. Which should I prioritize?”
When you are interrupted in a meeting
“I’d like to finish my point, it takes one more minute.” And if your idea is repeated by someone else: “Thanks for picking up my suggestion. Let me add how I would implement it.”
When instructions are unclear
“To make sure I deliver what you need: the goal is X, the deadline is Y, and Z is out of scope. Is that right?” Then confirm it by email.
When feedback is vague or unfair
“Can you give me a specific example, so I understand what you’d like to see differently?”
When you are contacted after hours
“I saw your message. I’ll take care of it first thing tomorrow morning.” Calm, reliable, and still a boundary.
When you need to say no
“I can’t take that on this week. I could help with it from Monday.” A no is easier to accept when it comes with an alternative.
When you raise a safety concern
Being assertive about safety means stating the concern clearly and directly to the person responsible, without hesitating, downplaying it or becoming confrontational, and making sure it is followed up: “I see a risk with the scaffolding on level 3. It needs to be checked before anyone works there today. Who will take care of it?”
Two techniques that help
DESC script: a simple structure for difficult conversations, popularized by Sharon and Gordon Bower in Asserting Yourself. Describe the situation factually, Express how it affects you or the work, Specify what you would like instead, and name the Consequences, ideally the positive ones. Example: “The last three reports reached me on the day of the deadline. That leaves me no time to check them properly. Could I get them two days earlier? Then I can guarantee the quality.”
Broken record: if someone keeps pushing, calmly repeat your core statement instead of adding new arguments that can be picked apart. “I understand. I still can’t take it on this week.”
Listening is part of it
Assertiveness is not only about speaking. Listening fully, paraphrasing what you heard (“So your main concern is the timeline?”) and asking open questions show respect, build trust and often defuse conflicts before they escalate (Khanna, 2020). “I” statements help too: “I’m concerned that we’ll miss the launch” lands differently from “You never plan ahead”.
Why assertiveness is harder in a toxic workplace
In a healthy team, clear communication is welcome. In a toxic one, it can be punished. In a series of studies, managers rated employees who challenged existing practices as worse performers than employees who spoke up in supportive ways (Burris, 2012). That does not mean you should stay silent, but it helps to be strategic:
- Frame it around shared goals: “so we meet the deadline”, “so the client is happy”.
- Put agreements in writing afterwards, especially with a boss who later “remembers” things differently.
- Choose your battles. Use your assertiveness where it matters most.
- Expect pushback, sometimes in the form of denial, attack or a sudden role reversal. Read about DARVO to recognize it.
How to get better at it
Assertiveness can be learned. A systematic review of training programs for healthcare professionals and students found that such training was effective to some degree in almost all groups studied. Face-to-face and multi-method programs and support from leaders were among the approaches that worked best (Omura et al., 2017). Practical steps: rehearse difficult conversations with someone you trust, start with low-stakes situations, and ask for feedback on how you come across.
If you notice that saying no is especially hard for you, it may be worth looking at the beliefs behind it. Our Personality Type Self-Check can be a starting point.
Related: How to deal with a manipulative boss, emotional intelligence in a toxic workplace and building resilience.
In the book: Chapter 9 of Breaking Free from Toxic Leadership covers building assertiveness and setting boundaries, with practical exercises. Chapter 10 explains the importance of assertiveness in responding to manipulation.
Sources
Ames, D. R. & Flynn, F. J. (2007). What breaks a leader: The curvilinear relation between assertiveness and leadership. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(2), 307–324. DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.307
Bower, S. A. & Bower, G. H. (1976). Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. Addison-Wesley.
Burris, E. R. (2012). The risks and rewards of speaking up: Managerial responses to employee voice. Academy of Management Journal, 55(4), 851–875. DOI: 10.5465/amj.2010.0562
Khanna, P. (2020). Techniques and strategies to develop active listening skills: The armour for effective communication across business organizations. The Journal of English Language and Literature, 6, 50–60.
Omura, M., Maguire, J., Levett-Jones, T. & Stone, T. E. (2017). The effectiveness of assertiveness communication training programs for healthcare professionals and students: A systematic review. International Journal of Nursing Studies, 76, 120–128. DOI: 10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2017.09.001
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